I watched an online video for visual instructions on how to install quick-hitch attachments on my tractor. I learned some about installing them, but I learned more about what usually happens in life when people want guidance and help with challenges.

The two men in the video were standing at the rear of the tractor and discussing how to install the attachments. The parts and the cardboard box they came in were laid out on the ground. The men discussed how the parts likely fit and the ways the roll pins would resolve part of the installation challenge. They discussed options, each sharing information that seemed to be a mix of previous experience and speculation. As I listened and watched, my attention moved from the tractor and the adapters at the end of the lift arms to the paper flapping in the breeze. As they considered and speculated, the paper flapped as one end was weighted down with one of the parts. As they experimented and discussed, the instructions flapped for attention.

While it might be humorous to make a gender joke about men not reading instructions, the joke is actually on all of us. If we breathe, we are guilty of tackling challenges in life – both big and small, critical and inconsequential – without referring to knowledge, wisdom, instructions and guidance that are readily available, and I don’t mean on the internet.

Every step of the way on our life’s journey, we have been able to pick up knowledge, wisdom, instructions and guidance, either from our mistakes and successes, or from those we encounter. We try, and we learn; we miss our goal, and we learn; we watch others, and we learn; we ask others, and we learn; we listen to others, and we learn. We have knowledge, wisdom, instructions and guidance in us that we have picked up along the way, and we have access to people who can help.

While online videos can be useful when trying to learn something, I think we are missing much by not calling someone or asking a family member or neighbor to show us how to do something.  There is much more to be gained than just instructions when we get learn from a living, breathing teacher, guide or mentor.

The previous paragraph may sound like a contradiction to my original premise.  After all, the men were seeking guidance from each other, and that can be a good thing, for the conversation if not anything else. What they missed amidst the conversation was the information they sought. And that’s my point: we have what we need to face challenges; to find joy, happiness, faith, courage and success; and, to seek solutions by asking the right questions, because of the life we’ve lived, not despite it.  Don’t ignore what you have while searching for what you think you need.

The letter is about 50 years old and is addressed to “‘Pro’ Fisherman.”  That was her sending a letter to me though she couldn’t remember my name.  It was also an indication of a love that I clearly bore for fishing, and, I’d like to think, a talent that I exhibited for it, too.  I thought of that letter differently as last month I watched my youngest son on a nationally televised fishing show. He represented his employer, and out fished the experts.  I remember when he had the dream of being a professional fisherman.  I believe that I was better able to help him achieve his dream by remembering my own.

Years ago, I first presented my topic, “Helping Them Achieve Their Dreams by Remembering Your Own.”  Intended for parents, teachers, coaches, etc., the topic strives to help others remember their dreams, their hopes, the challenges and the joys along the way.  There are multiple routes in pursuit of a dream.  While my son’s goal a dozen years ago was to be a fisherman, with a little encouragement and guidance he was able to see that he could be associated with what he loved without doing exactly it.  His career is well on its way in the recreational marine world, and along the way he has had some amazing fishing trips without the hassles of dealing with the variety of customers that guides get stuck with.  In his words, he’s “living the dream.”

I could relate stories of my other two sons and dreams they had, and how they have been able to tap into them in different ways throughout their lives.  The first step is having dreams. The worst step is to quash or diminish the dreams of others. My oldest wanted to be a fisherman, writer and teller of tales.  All three are firmly woven into the pattern of his life now. My middle son has dreamed of adventures all  his life, and he has enjoyed many in his own life, from climbing the Continental Divide to diving to reefs in the Gulf of Mexico. For all three of the boys, there are many dreams yet to be had and to be enjoyed.

My sons have had much more adventurous and exciting lives than I had at their ages.  And that’s okay.  I had my own kind of journey based on my own dreams.  But, by remembering my own, I am better able to encourage theirs and relish the joy of witnessing them in pursuit of their dreams.  We can call do that for each other – parents to kids, leaders to team members, teachers to students, friends to friends and people to people.

Remembering when

I was talking to my friend Jim, checking on how he was feeling after knee surgery.  He had been struggling with pain – something that he “put in its box” to deal with it – for two years. He was only a few days post-surgery when we talked about how he felt and how he hoped to feel soon.

He often says wise things as a matter of course in conversation. One of his comments on this occasion has been rattling around in my head ever since.  Speaking of the pain he had, and hoping for pain relief once healed, Jim said, “I don’t remember not feeling this way.” He went on to elaborate, but those seven words reveal much about how we lose context, perspective and opportunity in life when we can’t remember life any other way that it has been “recently.”

One of the outcomes of my LIFElines book and workshops is to help provide a higher-level look at life that provides views otherwise unseen.  Jim’s comment verified the importance of such a view.

Some people face a downturn in life after years or decades of good health, strong finances, secure relationships etc., with fear, panic or depression.  They have forgotten that life has peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows, yin and yang. Some people feel trapped in negative situations because they’ve forgotten that they ever had a life without disease, abuse, sadness, loneliness, etc.  The right viewpoint reminds us of the context and perspective needed for the humility, courage, optimism and strength to maintain joy and happiness in life’s complicated journey.

No matter your situation, it has not always been that way, nor will it be.

I care about this man, and I have no idea who he is other than the fact that he was kneeling in front of me at a swim meet. However, his ears, neck, hands and arms remind me of my late father. That is enough to open the door to my heart.

Perhaps we should see in those we don’t know the beauty of someone we do know. It would certainly make it easier to communicate, appreciate, accept and love. It would make more human our work, our personal lives and our interactions with strangers. It would make us better doctors, nurses, teachers, managers, spouses, friends. It would enrich our lives and the lives of those we encounter.

Sad and strange how we tend to project the bad feelings we have for one person to all others of similar ilk. Whether it is divorce, war, workplace or family history, we tend to give ownership of the bad characteristics that we have experienced to everyone else who is the same gender, race, nationality or role. How sad for all of us.

The man in the image has hurt people in his life; he is human. He has disappointed people in his life; he is human. He has also loved, healed, helped, held, laughed, cried; he is human. And it is easier for me to accept the richness of who he is simply because his appearance evokes sweet memories of my father.

Listen with more than just our ears; listen with our senses and find connections to what we pick up with something else that is sublime and treasured in our heart. The stranger is no longer strange; the alien is no longer enemy. And beauty surrounds us.

I wanted a Memorial Day Listen to Life message that addressed the reality of Memorial Day’s meaning.  Shortly after I knelt at church, the answer arrived.  On my cell phone.

Three messages arrived in quick succession.  I felt the phone’s vibration, since it was sent on silent mode, and went outside to check.  Three quick messages or three quick calls is how my sons know to signal me that they need my attention now, so I went to check.  There was no emergency in the message, but there was wisdom.

My middle son’s text message said, “… as we were parting ways, the sales person said, ‘I hope you have a happy Memorial Day weekend.’ It struck me hard this time … it’s not a happy time.  It’s not a great weekend for selling mattresses.  It’s not a great weekend to get great discounts on outdoor furniture.  This weekend is meant for us to remember those that gave up everything, so we can have everything.”

His words settled in as I thought about this video that I watched last year that revealed the embarrassing ignorance of people regarding the purpose and meaning of Memorial Day. (Please watch to the end.)  What could be an appropriate greeting to share on Memorial Day that would honor those for whom it has a close, personal meaning, and cause others to consider its meaning?  (I would argue that it should have a close, personal meeting to everyone in the United States.)

“Have a peace-full Memorial Day.”  There it is.

I wish for peace for those we have lost.  May they have moved from the horrors of war or the challenges of service to the eternal peace that is their due.

I wish for peace in the hearts of family and friends of the military members that we have lost.  Nothing can fill the void or remove the pain, but perhaps peace in their hearts will help their healing.

I wish for peace in your moments.  Perhaps there could be less conflict on small and large scales if we sought peace in the moments.  And though war is unfortunately an inevitable component of human existence, peace in our moments can enable us to make the best uses possible of the freedom and opportunity that others have died for to protect.

Have a peace-full Memorial Day, my friends.

For a touching reminder of the day’s purpose, watch this presentation by Lt. Col. Peterson.

When my youngest son told me about his phone call with his fishing reel repair buddy who is about three times his age, I thought it sounded a lot like the barber shop scene in the movie El Torino.  I knew their friendship is true, and richer for both of them because of the age differential.

The other day, a neighbor and I agreed that we had just formed a new crappie fishing partnership.  He is 20 years my senior. I’m looking forward to our time together.

Friendships and relationships bring wisdom to the younger, and youthfulness and energy to the older.  My mom, who was 40 when I was born, said that my late arrival kept her young.  Businesses, chambers, organizations and associations can benefit, too, like all individuals by being inter-generational in relationship building.

After delivering a staff development workshop for a local church, I was pleasantly surprised when the pastor thanked me for my comments about inter-generational.  “That is much better than ‘cross-generational’,” he said.  I instinctively felt that to be true, but his comment gave me pause for thought, so I investigated. To “cross” generations is to connect them, like two sides of a river connected by a bridge. “Inter” infers more of a mingling.  According to Dictionary.com, inter (Latin) means, “between,” “among,” “in the midst of,” “mutually,” “reciprocally,” “together” and “during.”

Inter-generational relationships, conversations and connections allow us to be “in the midst of” stories, wisdom, humor, insights and perspectives from outside our zone of familiarity; those are priceless.

Reach across the years in meaningful ways to enrich your life and broaden your perspectives.

My back yard is devoid of grass; my gardens rarely produce (but I refuse to give up); and, my pecan tree drops hundreds of immature pecans each year.  No farmer, this man.  But my lemon trees are prolific.  I have a freezer full of lemon juice from last year’s crop of 150 lemons.  This year, I have given away about 80 full, juicy Meyer lemons and am working on giving away the final 50 or so.  I offered some to Tony who had just provided me an estimate to replace my roof thanks to Hurricane Harvey.  Midway through our conversation as we stood in the freezing air, he reminded why giving is good … no matter what or when.  We don’t always know the value of what we offer.

Recently, I have offered lemons to a guy who offered to trim my trees (he took three), and to the insurance adjuster (he took two).  Both seemed pleased to take the tasty citrus fruit.  I proudly proclaim, “Each lemon has about four ounces of juice,” like a proud farmer describing his crops.  Tony took six, but I offered him the remainder of what I had because of our conversation.

“Do you like lemons?  Want some?”  I usually don’t pause between the two questions. 

“Sure, yeah, thanks,” he replied.  He complimented the fruit as we walked to the trees, two old guys transitioning from talking business to talking life.

He said that his wife baked with lemons, and froze the juice in cubes.  I concurred.  I suggested freezing lemon zest, too.

“That would be good,” he said.  “I called my wife the other day and she said she was freezing lemon juice.  She likes to use zest and peeling in cooking, too.  She was diagnosed with cancer and we read that vitamin C is a great natural aid in battling cancer.  We add it whenever we can, and getting it from the peel and rind is supposed to be the best way.  When she was diagnosed, they said she had about five years.  They have done the bone marrow transplants and all.  She was diagnosed 12 years ago.  It has cost a fortune, so I’ll never be able to retire.  But I still have her.”

I got a chill, different than the one caused by the wind chill factor conditions of 20 degrees.  I offered him all the lemons.  We both laughed at the offer.  He declined.

We shook hands, both saying, “It was great to meet you” at the same time.  Two old guys understanding life and simple times of sharing … stories, truths and lemons.

Share. What you can, when you can.  Connect in the moment.

My three sons now reside in three different cities, and I’m an officially an empty nester.  I was never in a hurry to have them leave, and now I sit at the laptop with hits from the ‘60s playing as I contemplate what the blink of four decades reveals to me.  The lessons apply to all growth, whether personal, in a family or of an organization.  No matter what the unit, growing up leads to growing on. I hope some of these thoughts apply to you, your family, business, chamber, church … and life to come.

Go easy on the credit and light on the blame. I’m exceedingly proud of my sons’ growth and development as the men they are now, and what they are becoming.  I hope to have been a positive influence along the way; I certainly have enjoyed the role of dad more than all my others. But, I don’t take credit for how they have used the influences in their lives to be the men they are.  My youngest noticed, and appreciated, that when his now-former boss said to me, “You’ve done a good job raising him,” I replied, “His accomplishments are his own.”

The same holds true for all those around us, whether they are family members, colleagues or team members.  We hopefully have a positive, empowering influence on them, but their achievements are their own and they should feel good about owning them.

Similarly, we should not accept the blame for the failures and mistakes of those over whom we hold some influence.  The greatest gift bestowed on us is that of free will.  How we choose to use it is our own; likewise, those for whom we might want to claim credit, we cannot hold ourselves to blame for their foibles.  Welcome to the human race.

Love is catch and release.  Years ago, I wrote a piece titled Cutting the Monofilament.  It considered the relationship between fathers and their children as they grow up and grow on.  The concept is based on love, respect and the realities of relationships.  The same truth applies to all with whom we have relationships.  It is okay, and desirable, to have a genuine human love for those around you at work, in church, on committees, etc.  Part of that relationship includes being able to let go in the hopes that there can be reconnection in the future.

I used to tell my team members that one of my goals was to have their résumé be stronger and their sense of empowering strengthened by having worked in an office I managed.  If any one of them chose to move on, I felt confident they were able to do so with a stronger position than when they began working for me.  You can love your team, your members, your clients, your competition … and not be afraid to release them.  Love is catch and release. Life is catch and release.

The moment is what matters.  My dad used to say that he didn’t want to be a day younger than he was.  He wanted the day he had.  A customer told me in 1973 at the grocery store at which I was a checker, “Don’t wish your life away, young man,” when I said, “I can’t wait to be 18.”  Don’t wish to be a day younger or a day older.  Growing up and growing on happens in the moments.  The moments with family and friends, or in solitude … at work, at home or on a journey … are truly all we have.  Remember them, write them down, soak them in.  They enrich our lives and provide great lenses through which to view the journey of growing up and growing on.

Let others enjoy their moments, too.  I used to tell team members that it was okay to take a walk, sit on a bench, etc., in order to find themselves in the moments in which they are most creative, productive, calm, relaxed and proficient.  For one, her barefoot walks in the grass became well known. Genuineness comes in moments, not busy-ness.

Get out of the way.  I had the gift of being able to help my youngest son move 1100 miles away as we experienced the adventure of moving.  We drove out, I flew back.  We both hurt when saying goodbye.  Perhaps the flip side of “catch and release” is “get out of the way.”  One of the great gifts we can offer to others is to help clear their paths for success … to get out of their way, and to help keep other forces from obstructing and impeding them.  I told a former boss that my primary role was to keep the rest of the organization out of my team’s way so they could succeed by using their talents, gifts and spirit.

When you apply the first three rules, the last one seems to happen. In all our roles, there is much we can do to help others succeed.  It is all part of growing up and growing on, which is a never-ending process.

Andy Williams’ rendition of Henry Mancini’s composition of songwriter Johnny Mercer’s Moon River provides a wonderful blend of wisdom and nostalgia as I consider the times I recall being the age of my sons and some of my grandkids. As they, and I, grow up and grow on, there always remains much to be seen:  “There’s such a lot of world to see / We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend / My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me.”  Wonderful journeys to you and all who you encounter along the way. Never stop growing.